you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
