Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
