I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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