Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
