I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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