i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
