The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
