apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
