Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
