I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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