fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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