I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
