Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
