Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
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You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
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Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.