this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia