She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.