If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We talked him into tasing himself.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i think my cat just said my name.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.