I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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