i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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