mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
