As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
