Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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