oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
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We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
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I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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