I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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