You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
