hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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