just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
