i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
