Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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