I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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