i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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