I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
