felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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