life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
