I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
