I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
