just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
