I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
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We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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