Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
