It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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