is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
