I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
