I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
