Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
