she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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