Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
3 2 1 whiskey
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
