she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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