i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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