Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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