we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
