and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
