I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
