Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
