A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
