you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
