I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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