Just cropdusted the office
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
