Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
